Things that are Lost

I love my children. Before they were born, I loved them. I am a better person for having them.

And the big movie-plot sacrifices? Those are easy. I’ve functioned for years not sleeping more than any two hours consecutively. I happily nursed them for years. I have no doubt that I could kill for them, and that I would willingly die for them. Without a second thought.

But some days. Some days when you’ve fished one too many toy out of the toilet, when you’ve grabbed the baby off of the windowsill for the tenth time, when the preschooler left candy in his carseat again, when you’re the mother all the old ladies in the grocery store tsk, when you’ve said repeatedly “if I told you once, I told you a thousand times, don’t lick your brother” – those days it can be so hard to remind yourself all the rest of the sacrifices are worth it.

The story plots and lines of poetry that you swear you’ll get to once the kids are in bed. The places you were going to visit before you turned thirty. The relationship that could change the core of who you are. Those losses have to be worth it.

So when they finally fall asleep, their trusting faces peaceful on their pillows, and I creep into their rooms to watch them breathe, may something bigger than myself help me believe it’s worth it.

We're In

Moving. Sucks. Rocks.

Granted, I should have played dutiful housewife and not taken a trip to Minnesota two weeks before the big move. Yes, I bring these things on myself. Yes, I should know better by now.

It’s no fun moving into a house with no air conditioning in August. Generous relatives with large vehicles are valuable beyond measure. One can live without a stove for two weeks.

I am now cured of every pack rat tendency I ever displayed. The new house is twice the size of the old one, but I have run out of room for sentiment. Boxes are leaving here for Goodwill just as quickly as they came in. I’ve been carrying too much of the past with me for far too long anyhow.

And just to prove I’m not totally heartless, I cried more last week than I have in months? Years? The last night in the old house, as I was turning the light out in Boy Star’s empty room for the last time, I was hit with a flood of memories just the clichéd way it happens in the movies. The first time I changed his diaper. The time he scarred his perfect little face falling on the vacuum. The afternoons he’d climb into his crib and throw all the stuffed animals out. Rocking him and reading to him and singing him lullabies. The days and nights that made me into a mother.

I learned how to give myself away in the old house. I hope I can get myself back.

The Random Quotations Meme

Thanks to the lovely Stefanie for helping me procrastinate today.

So, the ten quotes from the random quote generator with which I most identify:

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go... And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."
---Gloria Naylor

"There is danger from all men. The only maxim of a free government ought to be to trust no man living with power to endanger the public liberty."
---John Adams, Journal, 1772

"In the end, you'll know which people really love you. They're the ones who see you for who you are and, no matter what, always find a way to be at your side."
---Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic, 08-23-05

"Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart."
---Confucius

"Wear the old coat and buy the new book."
---Austin Phelps

"You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering."
---Henri-Frédéric Amiel

"What children take from us, they give…We become people who feel more deeply, question more deeply, hurt more deeply, and love more deeply."
---Sonia Taitz

"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."
---Mark Twain

"Blaze with the fire that is never extinguished."
---Luisa Sigea

"Give all to love; obey thy heart."
---Ralph Waldo Emerson

Moving Day

So Friday is the big day. On Thursday my dear computer will be packed up and moved to a new house, and who knows when I'll be back online.

I have no words to describe the depths of terror this strikes in my heart. I don't cope well with change. Change and isolation from my dearest and farthest away friends is not cool.

And yes we have a telephone. When I try to use it, the boys assume this is a sign from above that havoc should ensue, usually at the expense of something belonging to their father. Which causes said father to question my parenting. And we all know how that ends.

Woe is me. :D

Ohio: The State that Never Ends

I really love my friend. Indeed I do. Because an eight day vacation, four of which are spent in the car, is insane.


In all honesty, it wasn't that bad until the very last day. Which is henceforth known as The Day BabyStar was Possessed by Howler Monkeys.

Minnesota is lovely. Chicago, not the place you want to take a wrong turn and drive through construction during rush hour traffic on a Friday.

But you know, if you get lost often enough, you find your way.

Ohio is way too long.

There is nothing like the view out of the Fort Pitt tunnel. It's worth taking the long way home.

Does that make me crazy?

Gnarls Barkley earworms rule!

So, our big summer adventure. Me, the twinkles, and my friend's son, are driving from here to Minnesota. Two days, three boys, one me.

Crazy? Definitely. But missing my friend more.

Quiet

There's been a lot going on here, but I've got nothing to say about any of it.

We have a wedding to attend tomorrow. I'll post pics when I've got them.